Once in a generation, the Australian people will make a baffling electoral choice. Either by divine intervention or deep-rooted ignorance, a government seizes power and what follows is beyond comprehension. Once, there was Joh Bjelke-Petersen leading Queensland through 20 years of conservative corruption, while more recently, they watched Campbell Newman declaring war on anti-corruption, public service, civil rights, and science.
Federally, we bought into the Tony Abbott travesty. Despite the writing on the wall, voters gave more weight to the writing on the cover of the Telegraph and now we’re just another Pacific island owned by billionaires. Unfortunately, exposing the puppeteer would destroy the magic for all the kids watching at home; though you may notice Tony Abbott doesn’t talk when Rupert Murdoch is drinking a glass of water. Abbott the Fraud has worked hard to keep his fellow Mup Pets, or MPs, in character. He’s provided plenty of original ideas and clever lies, and has hosted this absurd spectacle like an old pro. Just this week, he laughed off the suicide of a 10-year-old in immigration detention and compared job losses under the previous Labor government to the Holocaust. Fucking hilarious. He petitioned the Queen for permission to extend a knighthood to her elderly, bigoted husband Prince Phillip, the Duke of Edinburgh. We laughed until we cried at that. Famous for hysterical lines regarding the fairer sex, he dubbed himself the Minister for Women and proceeded to appoint a single woman to cabinet, the least of any government in the 21st century; he followed this up by announcing that his greatest achievement for women was removing the carbon tax, casually forgetting his budget cuts to women’s shelters. Classic Abbott. The man knows comedy. Of course, the carbon tax was just the start of his environmental onslaught. He announced plans to revoke the World Heritage status of huge sections of Tasmanian old growth forests; he pioneered a policy involving paying corporations for their pollution; and he proposed dumping the dredge spoil from the ironically named Abbot Point on the Great Barrier Reef. It ain’t easy being Green, and with Abbott that’s never been more true. Joe Hoggy was raised on a farm and has spent most of his adult life trying to convince people otherwise. A prima-donna who is convinced that he knows best, Hoggy spends much of his time disparaging anyone who possesses less than he does. If they aren’t smoking $200 stogies, they must be poor. AND POOR PEOPLE ARE THE WORST. They don’t drive or even own cars; the infirm and elderly scrounge on the public purse; and the unemployed are unemployed by choice. They hate working. The ambitious aristocrat intends to change all of this and he has the Federal funding to do so. Dr. Brandis Honeydew is the host of M.P. labs, where he eagerly parades his latest experiments, often with farcical results. Some of his experiments include mandatory metadata retention and extending bigots the right to discriminate. Particularly laughable was his attempt to explain metadata on live television. His stumbling and bumbling was on par with a Chaplin sketch. To a large extent, and in spite of his degree, Brandis’ experiments fail because he is essentially a buffoon. Cheaker Pyne is the hapless Leader of the House and prone to making mistakes. One of his key attributes that everything he says is indecipherable nonsense; he generally attempts to communicate in a series of high-pitched squeaks. Of the MPs, if anyone is going to be hurt, you really want it to be Pyne. The Mathedish Chefmann is the incomprehensible Finance Minister. Nearly all of his speeches begin with him waving utensils and singing in his native German. The last line of his song is punctuated by his catchphrase “Girly Mën”. Chefmann’s commentary often contains an occasional English word, helping the viewer understand to what he’s referring. Sweetums Morrison is a large, hairy ogre who towers above elderly, unemployed and asylum seekers. His bulldog-like lower jaw, thick eyebrows, shabby brown shirt, and threatening expression belie his more or less genial nature. Substantially less. Morrison may or may not have eaten babies at one time or another. His snarl has been known to stop boats in their tracks. Sweetums Morrison has a long history of REMOVED AS RELEVANT TO ON-WATER MATTERS REMOVED AS RELEVANT TO ON-WATER MATTERS REMOVED AS RELEVANT TO ON-WATER MATTERS REMOVED AS RELEVANT TO ON-WATER MATTERS REMOVED AS RELEVANT TO ON-WATER MATTERS REMOVED AS RELEVANT TO ON-WATER MATTERS REMOVED AS RELEVANT TO ON-WATER MATTERS REMOVED AS RELEVANT TO ON-WATER MATTERS and as such can never be trusted. Wyalter Roy managed to become popular in 2010 and no one knows why. A prepubescent douche, he reportedly remains a douche due to an alleged gaffe by the former ALP member for Longman. When he was elected, Roy had yet to achieve anything of substance in his life. At the time of writing, Roy had still not accomplished a single thing worthy of note. Gonzolm Turnbull takes pride in his uniqueness and enjoys everything that he does; no matter how painful or ill-advised it may be. One such example is the NBN, Turnbull takes pride in this project and yet it will achieve absolutely nothing. Gonzolm Turnbull has been an outspoken supporter of common sense policies and holds many rational opinions on a variety of topics; this puts him in direct conflict with his colleagues. At one point he held the top job in the Mup Pets and was considered for greatness, however this ended when he was fired from a cannon. He remains popular with everyone, the exception being his fellow MPs. Statleric Abetz is the nephew of a Nazi convicted for war crimes and spends much of his time heckling others from balconies. A crotchety old fool, he seems to operate under the illusion that it is still the 1950 and recently made the assertion that abortions are linked to breast cancer in women. Abetz has long been a vocal critic of all policies Green, blaming young people and hippies for the rise in Tasmanian unemployment. Since becoming Minister for Employment, Abetz has seen national unemployment rise to the highest level since 2002, despite a global recession in 2007/08. As you can see, his sense of humour is tied to his incredible perception of timing and subtlety. As his name suggests, Kount Andrews is a c
ount and possibly soulless. A racist, belligerent, walking shit-stain, Andrews has overseen countless government embarrassments. In 2007, as Immigration Minister, his arrogance saw the innocent Dr. Mohamed Haneef arrested on terrorism related charges and immigration visa revoked on character grounds. Andrews is anti-abortion and homophobic, but is open to immigration, as long as the immigrant is white and reflects Judeo-Christian values. No one has ever considered Kount Andrews to be in any way jocular, nor amusing. He is a self-proclaimed educator; contributing less than a chapter to a number of books, yet claiming authorship nonetheless. If anyone was to encounter Kount Andrews after dark, they should consider the role a stake to the heart may play. Bigot Mean Christensen continues the proud tradition of MPs with mouths bigger than their brains. Bigot Mean Christensen is notable amongst his colleagues due to the fact that he hates everyone, rather than any specific group. In the 1990s, he penned a series of articles for a student newsletter that involved attacks and slurs against Jews, gays and women. More recently he has launched a series of prolonged attacks on Muslims, and has labelled environmentalists terrorists. Bigot Mean Christensen has a habit of blocking anyone who would ask him to explain or expand upon his views on Twitter, and on a number of occasions has personally attacked those tweeting at him. Unfortunately for children, Christensen isn’t as funny as he looks. The straight man of the government, Bill Heffersam-Eagle has built a reputation for his deadpan role, delivering homophobic attacks on sitting High Court Justice Kirby under parliamentary privilege in 2002. His evidence turned out to be false, and that was a part of his genius. 20 million people failed to see the punchline, mostly because there wasn’t one. Over the years, Heffersam-Eagle has shown his willingness to court controversy, usually by abusive, threatening and bigoted means. An unrelenting patriot, last year Heffersam-Eagle carried a pipe-bomb into a Senate committee meeting just to prove a point. Uncle Philip Deaddock is a blue, reptilian-looking creature, also known as “the Phantom of Parliament”. Every time someone thinks he has finally died, he manages to return to prominence in some way. Most recently, in his capacity as Chief Government Whip, Deaddock announced the results of the failed leadership spill against Abbott the Fraud and was rewarded for his work with a return to obscurity. Deaddock remains largely infamous for his Swiftian satire, the witty “Pacific Solution” which contained instructions for the mandatory detention of asylum seekers and their children, including preventing access to legal services. Regrettably the Howard government adopted it as a serious policy, leading to a contravention of international human rights legislation. Many missed his finer points, such as the fact he continued to wear an Amnesty International lapel pin, a clear allusion to the satirical content of his policy. As Attorney General, Deaddock moved to federally legislate against any court rulings on same-sex marriage, a droll attempt to highlight the separation of powers, again missed by the humourless Howard cabinet.
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