The following is the true, previously untold, story of what happened on this day in the history of black America.
For the 1808 State of the Union address, Abraham Lincoln spoke to a small crowd in the town of Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. During his long and often-times rambling speech, he inadvertently abolished slavery in the United States by claiming that white men invented slavery because they felt insecure about their micro-penises.
A clip of this speech went viral and in less than a month the vast majority of slave owners across the country had freed their slaves, with many former-slaves returning to work, now earning a fair wage and with vastly improved working conditions. The shift resulted in a new federally regulated minimum wage of $1 dollar per hour, a rate that has not changed in over two-hundred years.
A news outlet at the time reported that the move away from slavery would destroy any possibility for a truly United States of America. The editor of this paper, a thirty-year-old Rupert Murdoch.
This is satire and is not intended to offend anyone. If you believe this is in any way racist, please contact me on Twitter to discuss why you don’t agree with this post.