G’day you mob. It’s been a while between drinks here at shutupandreadthis HQ, with 2019 ending in such a tumult of fire and fuckwittery that it didn’t feel right to run with the annual political wrap-up making fun of the cabal of cruel and unusual monsters in Canberra.
But, six months of quarantining has left many of us with a severe case of cabin fever (which is not an official COVID symptom, but still wear a mask).
So here’s a special treat, half-a-dozen Xmas carols rewritten for Australian politics in 2020.
Happy non-denominational season of merriment you cheeky fuckers.
Let Them Burn (to the tune of Let It Snow)
Oh the weather outside is scorching
And they lied of arsonists torching
But the Murdochs will never learn
Let them burn, let them burn, let them burn
Mate, they’re not showing signs of stopping
And they’ve got such sweet necks for chopping
It’s the fate those at News have earned
Let them burn, let them burn
When these pigs are pulled from the trough
How they’ll hate learning how to report
But until then we’ve molotovs
Or we could hunt them for sport
And Rupert is slowly dying
While his press is falsifying
But it’s not really our concern
If he burns, if he burns and burns
White ‘Straya (to the tune of White Christmas)
She’s dreaming of a white ‘Straya
Just like the one under Sir Joh
With the blacks on missions
Ruled by Patricians
Pauline Hanson’s own Jim Crow
She’s dreaming of a white ‘Straya
With every burning cross she lights
All she has is malice and spite
And we all know she’s not very bright
Have a Melancholy Xmas (to the tune of Holly Jolly Christmas)
Have a melancholy Xmas
It’s a time of growing fear
I don’t know PM ScoMo
But I sure know his sneer
Have a melancholy Xmas
And beware ScoMo’s conceit:
What he owes from quid pro quo,
Corruption and deceit.
Oh we’ll never know, short an enquiry,
Just where the money flows, or to what degree.
Have a melancholy Xmas
Our despotic profiteer
And for Scotty: swim at Cheviot-y, don’t reappear!
The #AusPol Song (to the tune of The Christmas Song)
Teardrops poasting like it won’t backfire
Dan Stans getting ratioed
Friendlyjordies claiming he’s not a liar
And Rudd’s petition all arose
Everybody knows that Labor loves the status quo
They think “Centre-Left” means “Right”
Albo waits, like his prize is bestow’d
And guarantees he’ll lose this fight
His Labor values are clichés
He’s listed “childhood hardship” on his resume
And all the working poor are asking “Why?”
As if that means he is somehow qualified
And so I’m offering this quaint advice
For those who may not have a clue
Although you may claim to be for workers’ rights
It seems like that’s untrue
And all the unemployed just want to cry
We have no reason to believe you’re our allies
And so I’m begging please don’t turn away
We’ve spent two decades in this queue
Accept this as your new 8 hours work/rest/play
End poverty
End poverty
End poverty, won’t you?
Stirling the Centrist Coward (to the tune of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer)
You know Dasha and Albo
Tanya and Shorten
Malcolm the quisling
And Mathias Cormann
But of this cabal
The most spineless politician of them all…
Stirling the centrist coward
Hid from an important vote
‘Cause if anyone saw him
They’d know he’s a worthless scrote
Even the Labor caucus
Knew beyond a hint of doubt
We won’t forgive that turncoat
For the people he sold out
When the next election came
Voters said to Griff
“Stirling, you pathetic cunt
C.A. is a Liberal front.
So let this be a warning
To those who might subjugate,
Stirling the centrist coward
Is not welcome in this state!”
In the 12 months of AusPol, just from the L/NP:
Twelve-ty four aged care recommendations
Eleven frackers on COVID commission
Ten hundred days on Christmas Island
Nine ladies harrassed
Eight billion cut from unis
Seven sports a-rorting
Six-ty billion missing
Five war crime memes
Four docked cruises
Three years of Robodebts
Two many excuses, and
A PM’s flight to Hawai’i
